Days passed.. Weeks.. followed by Months.. Nothing like the same knowing that you're not here.. Though i'm not SO close to you,but i still miss u. Though u r happily in bed,the fact that you're gone,i still can't handle it.
28th of October,is the memorable date of all. Few days before SPM. When I lost my wonderful humble grandpa, it's nothing like the same. Everything's changed. Almost atleast. A few weeks before 28th,he was admitted in the Hospital in my hometown,Kota Kinabalu,Sabah. Due to heart attack and some difficulties. Which I'm not sure (until now) because I'm not informed well for my relatives were concerned about me being distracted for SPM. My whole family flew back to KK to pay him a visit & to keep him company & to take care of him. Everyday,Every single day we went to the hospital. Even now I could still see every nook & corner of the hospital playing in my mind.
Seeing him on the sickbed,helplessly,just stabs my heart for there's NOTHING,nothing I could do but pray,With tubes all around him,watching the nurse takes his blood,finding through his vein,just couldn't find it easily. With him moaning in pain with a tube in his throat thus,he couldn't speak,nor make sound that well. With any discomfort,he couldn't really tell. He couldn't move much as well. His kidney,heart,everything is failing. What we only hope that time,was just the miracle of God. He really hates hospital. Infact,he fears of it. He's been admitting to the hospital on n off due to his health problems.
Actually,his conditions were getting worse day by day. Doctors gave up their hopes. But we still carry on,praying & believed that he'll be saved. I didn't know about the doctors gave their hopes up til the day arrived. I knew nothing much that time. AS I was with my cousin outside the sickroom,watching as the nurse cleaning up the room next door where the patient checked out healthily. My cousin hugged me & said "I wish Gong Gong checking out healthily also." I wished. But God said it's his time.
Few days later,i had to fly back to KL because i still have classes going on & SPM. So whatever information,it's all through calls to KK. On the 28th of Oct, at 3am, my house phone rang. Was feeling too tired,I couldn't get up. Finally,I pushed myself up,opened the door,& saw my dad was on the phone. Saw my parents' master bedroom door was opened,so i went & peaked. My mom was on the phone too. I was hearing her talking.. but wasn't listening.. Then my dad came up to me as i was leaning on the door,listening blankly.. he said "your grandpa has passed away." There I stood,stiffly,stiff as a rock. Honestly speaking,i didn't know what was I feeling that time. My dad just pulled me into his arm n hugged me.
I went to my room later then. Received a call from my cousin. I still couldn't believe it. I kept questioning my cousin. "is it true? is it true? what i just heard,is it true??". That's the point when my realisation came,that my grandpa,my wonderful grandpa,had passed away.
Gong,i'm so sorry for not kissing u when i have the time n chance to do that. For not saying "I love you" for the last time. I could barely do that. I don't have the courage to do that. I'm sorry. When I heard ur condition was getting worse,I don't have the guts to say that. It was too painful to do that. Because I want to tell u that when u discharge healthily out of the hospital with a kiss on your forehead and a warmth hug from me to u. I still could hear you calling Clyde (my late dog),whenever I enter the market,especially fish section,it breaks my heart because it reminds me of you. (my grandpa was a fishmonger). It reminds me of you that I wanted to tear but I try my best to hold it back. I don't want u to see me sad. Because u r happy up there right now. I just couldn't help it. I miss u badly.
I know I didn't have time spent much with u when u were lying on the bed in the hospital,suffering. I've actually planned to fly back to KK right after SPM. To visit u,to love u more,to cherish u when i have the time to. But I guess it's too late. It's okay,it's better than seeing u continue to suffer,physically n emotionally. But u r safe now,Gong. U r safe in God's hands.
Reading my bro's blog,I could tell he misses u alot too,Gong. He does. He remembers how he would think that you were the strongest of all,when u convinced him by saying "Gong Gong kuat,boleh angkat lori macam Malik Noor.". He remembers when u were proud of all your grandchildren like no others. You were so proud of us,u kept each of our photos & showed to your friends how much u were proud of us by showing them our photos. Especially my bro in Kadet uniform.
I could still feel the cold bare hands of yours in my fingertips. I long to see you,Gong. I miss you. I long to see you again. To feel the warmth of ur hug. No matter what people says,i might be cheesy,might be corny,might be childish,i don't care. I just want to be in ur arms again. Til then Gong. See you in Heaven. =') Gong,I love you.
